for the dead

I dreamed I called you on the telephone
to say: Be kinder to yourself
but you were sick and would not answer

The waste of my love goes on this way
trying to save you from yourself

I have always wondered about the left-over
energy, the way water goes rushing down a hill
long after the rains have stopped

or the fire you want to go to bed from
but cannot leave, burning-down but not burnt-down
the red coals more extreme, more curious
in their flashing and dying
than you wish they were
sitting long after midnight

adrienne rich

blahhh

what deity did i piss off over the last 34 years? did i not forward enough chain emails? geeez!! im so confused about the return of the ex. not sure what the draw is or why its so hard to let go, but its certainly not working to my advantage. i keep thinking maybe i should try and find a diversion, but the thought of being with anyone is kind of not what i want. nothing works out and im tired of putting myself out there. maybe if we could have an open and frank discussion about our situation or at least say a proper good bye maybe that would help but going on weeks and months of "i dont know" and "we'll see" is frustrating and im trying to be patient and err on the side of the benefit of the doubt but i need something to happen one way or the other. maybe *I* need to start that discussion. but every time i do i get the sense that im pushing. guh. there are sooooo many other issues going on at the same time but i dont want to hash it all up. i'm tired and confused and i feel like poop and i just need someone to come and sweep me off my feet and live hppily ever after.

see ya later summer

well im kind of glad thats over ... definitely not one of my better summers ... didn't do nearly enough camping, or hiking, NO fishing, market going and i still haven't been to the drive in. then of the course the whole boyfriend leaving for europe and dumping me once he got there...part of the reason was the move in the middle of the summer. busy packing, moving and unpacking. money was some what of an issue (as always) but what it really comes down to is i didn't have anyone to do shit with. i dont make new friends easily, and when you break up with someone there is the inevitable loss of social circle (not that we didn't typically organize most of the outings) i DID get to spend some time with a couple people i wanted to get to know better, but i think i can literally count the amount of times i went out on one hand. ive more or less stopped asking anyone to do anything...no one gets back to me and im not about to beg...so i'll hunker down for the fall, focus on my weightloss and exercise; our bootcamp is doing well and we're looking to expand into the winter if we can find a warm dry place to work out, and a running club is going to start up soon as well. i row for another month and once i can get finances sorted out i plan on renewing my Y membership. its been lonely but im not dead and i have great kids and i like where we're living and my job is alright...things could definitely be worse but i sure am glad they're not.

alright so im a day late

i've been really good about this from the very beginning but GODDAMN IT I MISS MY BOYFRIEND/BESTFRIEND/WORKOUT PARTNER/DRINKING BUDDY...even if he's not my boyfriend any more. still. i miss him.

ok thats out of my system.

the terminalgirls guide to updating your blog

do it. more often than once a month. more to come. before september

the terminalgirls guide to getting on with your life

sing. as much and as loud as possible. who cares if you're bad at it. and sing happy fun songs.

the terminalgirls guide to saying goodbye

you know its coming but nothing can prepare you. just make sure you've said everything you need to. and if you can't get it out in words, try it in type. or text. or smoke signals...whatever. just get it out.